Sanjaya Malakar, this is for you

Hey guy. I hope I spelled your name right. I'm definitely a fan. The last couple weeks have been pretty rough for you on American Idol, and I know you're a bit confused right now. But take a deep breath - I'm here to help you.

First, stop taking singing advice from your family. They love you and they're good people, but they have a different view of you than the American viewing public does. They see you as a son and brother, and these aren't BAD things, but they are not going to win you this competition.

So here's what you need to do. I'm breaking it down for you very simply.
Go buy the last five issues of the magazine 'Tiger beat'. While you're at it, go to a local high school, find any four girls aged 14 or under, and see what magazines they read. Just ask them, after they are done swooning over your dark eyes and dreamy hair, they will pretty much give you anything you want - double entendre intended.

Every person placed in the top 24 of American Idol tends to represent an archetype - the soulful single mom who sang in a gospel choir, the ditzy blonde with a heart of gold and the voice of an angel. You, son, were cast as the 'teenage heartthrob'. You need to start singing songs that make the 14 year old girls swoon (oddly enough, this will get you the middle-aged mom vote too. Don't ask me how i know this.) Wear trendy clothes and see what the guys in Tiger beat are wearing, singing and saying. You should be patterning yourself after them as much as possible.

Fair? Nope. But if you want to win, that's what you need to do in this show. Figure out your archetype and play to it without exception. Once you win, make at least a couple albums 'in character' before branching out into other genres. Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood got this. Reuben Studdard? Not so much.

Just pick up those copies of "Tiger Beat" this week son. Consider it your homework. And don't sweat the singing - your natural talent will carry you there. And I'll see you in the finals :)